these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize