Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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