Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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