Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
