You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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