He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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