If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
