You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
