See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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