Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
