We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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