the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
