all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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