Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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