U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
