I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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