he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I touched a dick in church today
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
