dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
