I accidentally had phone sex last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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