shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
