I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
