I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
