distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
