I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
