I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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