i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
