I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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