oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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