Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
