Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
