My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
