Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
