Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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