I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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