Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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