be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
