I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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