I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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