We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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