everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
