Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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