Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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