2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
