Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
