I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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