The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
