Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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