Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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