i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
