If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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