The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the day after is always just damage control
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Are my feet made of real feet?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
