Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
