Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
