he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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