I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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